Just
a brief introduction for this post as I have a bit of an intro in the last
article. This one was written by Chrystal’s husband, David (Chrystal wrote the
last blog entry). They left the church together several months after I did.
When I moved to Edson, Alberta David was one of the counsellors in the Branch
Presidency and soon thereafter was called as the Branch President. So needless
to say, he was a fully believing member. He was someone who checked even more
boxes of faithfulness and belief than I did. To say that only those that did
not have a testimony of the church to begin with, or that we were too weak to
continue, is not accurate in the slightest. The only requirement to end in our
position is to allow yourself to be open to all available information, a desire
to know objective truth, and a hunger to follow the rabbit hole to the very
end.
Being
very close friends with David over the past eight plus years, I think it’s fair
to say I know who he is as a human being. He has always been someone that
exudes caring and integrity. He has always been a person that you could go to
when you needed anything and if at all possible, he would be there. If there is
someone that I would call Christlike, it would probably be him. Anyways, enough
of my bromance. I’ll let David explain how someone can go from a fully faithful
and invested member of the LDS church to no longer believing the exclusive
truth claims.
Let
me start this off by saying that I admire Dason for writing his blog posts and
allowing others to follow his journey through his faith crisis and eventual
exit from the LDS church. It is not an
easy thing, as I came to learn and experience for myself.
My
name is David Johnston. I was born and
raised in the LDS faith, graduated seminary, served a mission in Alabama for 2
years, married my wife in the Cardston Temple, and served in many callings in
the church, the most notable being a Branch President for seven years (I was
released in March 2019 as the Stake Presidency felt it was time to let someone
else serve, thank goodness, lol.) I met
Dason when he moved to Edson, but we also have a family connection as our wives
are 2nd cousins (only one wife each, don’t get excited). We instantly became friends and have
maintained a strong friendship ever since.
When he moved to Airdrie, we stayed in close contact and visited each
other often.
When he opened up to
me about his concerns with the church, I admit that I was blindsided and caught
off guard. As a good friend I was concerned about his eternal salvation and
standing in the church, and I wanted to resolve his concerns and bring him back
to the gospel. Through a series of phone calls and emails we talked about some
of his concerns, and I quickly realized that he had researched these things in
far more depth than I ever had, and I was grossly unprepared to answer his
questions. My failsafe was to revert
back to my faith and to bear my testimony of the gospel, but that wasn’t enough
to resolve his difficult questions. In
order to maintain our friendship, we determined that it was better that we
didn’t discuss these things and to respect each other’s beliefs, which we did
and felt comfortable with. He told me
about his blog, and I read some of the posts but stayed away from the three he
said could be troubling to believing members.
I tried to understand where he was coming from, and his blog helped a
lot in gaining that understanding.
We
went camping with Michelle and Dason in the summer of 2019; and late at night,
sitting around the campfire, we talked a lot about some of his basic concerns
and how life was going despite his doubts and questions. It was a very open discussion, and we didn’t
try to convince each other of our beliefs.
We were just friends trying to listen and understand one another. We didn’t resolve any concerns, but it was
nice to talk openly about it and reassure them that we were still their friends
no matter what happened. In the next few
days, I wrestled in my brain trying to understand why Dason felt the way he
did. Was it because of sin? Was he just being lazy? Were the demands of
living the gospel wearing on him and he was tired of it? Did he want to drink coffee or alcohol to fit
in with work colleagues and this had led him to question his beliefs? Did he not get along with people in his ward
and this led to them not feeling welcome and therefore not wanting to attend
church? My wife and I repeatedly said
that if Dason and Michelle had not moved away from our town that this probably
would have never happened because they were happy here and seemed very strong
in the church. I tried to think of ways
to help him but mostly concluded that I needed to be his friend without
judgment or criticism because that was what Dason and Michelle needed most.
About
a month after our camping trip, I was scrolling through Facebook and noticed a
friend of mine from college talking about leaving the church, and he mentioned
something called the CES Letter. This
friend was very strong in the church at one point but had since left. He had
some sharp criticism of the church and its history, which really surprised
me. I had never heard of the CES Letter,
so out of curiosity I clicked on the link to see what it was about. I knew it was probably something against the
church, but I felt confident in my testimony and beliefs that nothing could
shake me! I scrolled through a few
topics, but I found one that I had never heard about before; Blood
Atonement. I read through part of the
section and was shocked! I immediately
texted Dason to ask if he had heard about this practice, and his reply was
basically, “Let’s slow this down. Are you sure you want to know about
this? It’s not too late to ignore it,
stop researching, and just move on within the church.” I pressed the question because I really
wanted to know, so he answered a few things, all the while telling me that if I
wasn’t comfortable with it then we should just drop it and that some of these
things were very hard for a true-believing member of the church to hear, so I
thanked him for being honest with me, and we ended the conversation.
This
is an aspect of Dason that I hope anyone reading this understands, he is not
someone whose purpose in life is to get people out of the church. Even when I
came to him with a huge issue, essentially on a silver platter, his goal was
not to get me to stop believing. He told me that we could slow down and that
maybe I didn’t want to go down this path considering how hard it is. He gave me
every opportunity to shut that difficult conversation down and to walk away
without going any further.
The
next day I was still curious, so I went back to Facebook and read some of the
comments under my friend’s post about the CES Letter. There were over 100
comments, and I read all of them. Some
people were arguing for the church, some were arguing against it, but the one
thing that stood out to me was my friend telling others to read the Gospel
Topics Essays in order to find out these less known aspects about church
history. I remembered receiving an email
years ago about the church producing essays on difficult church history topics,
and I even remember clicking on the link and seeing the essays on the church
website, but I didn’t read them or give them much attention. His comments on the essays piqued my
interest, so I went to the church website and found them. I picked the topic of polygamy since that had
always been a black spot on the church, and I honestly didn’t know a lot about
the practice despite my growing up in the church and serving in many leadership
positions. As I read about Joseph Smith
practicing polygamy, polyandry, and the church trying to justify his actions, I
became sick inside and couldn’t believe that all of this was factual. I always thought it was Brigham Young that
began polygamy, but here I read about Joseph Smith marrying other men’s wives as
well as girls as young as 14; that Joseph claimed that an angel with a flaming
sword commanded him to practice polygamy, but God didn’t give any specific
instruction on how to fulfill it; and how in the beginning it was a very secretive
and selective practice. One of the worst
things was reading about Joseph being sealed to many of his multiple wives
before he was sealed to Emma, as he didn’t tell her until numerous years after
beginning the practice. With her being
his first wife, I would have thought that she would be the first woman sealed
to him, but she wasn’t. It was shocking
and repulsive all at the same time!
I
decided to read more of the essays, and more shock and confusion resulted. The different accounts of the first vision,
the method of translating the Book of Mormon being completely different than
what I was taught, black people being banned from the priesthood, and the other
essays about polygamy. I couldn’t
believe what I was reading, right there on the church’s website! I served my mission in Alabama where I
encountered many zealous people who wanted to argue against the LDS church and
its truth claims and presented evidence to me as to why it was false. I remember talking to my mission president,
and he reassured me that the things they were saying were all lies. I remember some of the issues vividly because
I had to defend them on a weekly basis; but as I read the essays, I started to
see some of the issues I had heard about were not lies but were facts in church
history and acknowledged by the church! To say this was shocking is a gross
understatement. I felt sick. I felt betrayed. I felt lied to. I felt doubt and confusion.
I did what any good
LDS member does to try and combat these feelings, I prayed, fasted, read the
scriptures, and prayed a bunch more, but the reassurance that the church was
true never came. The spirit never
witnessed the truth to me and that these things were actually lies. In fact, I felt empty and alone with no
reassurance from God that the church was actually true. How could this be? I was reading from the church’s own
website. It was their information, not
someone who could be described as “anti-Mormon.”
It was at this time
that my wife and I went on a backpacking trip in Jasper National Park. For three
days it was nothing but me, her, and the mountains; no electronics or tv to
distract us. So, as we were hiking, I
hesitantly brought up some of the things I had read and my concerns regarding
what this then meant about the church.
She listened, and then she shared some of the things that she felt were
wrong about the church. She opened up a lot about her real feelings toward the
LDS faith. I always knew she had some
issues with the church, but nothing strong enough to make her want to leave. But with my doubts and concerns she lovingly
listened and encouraged me to do more research and find out the truth for myself.
After
our hike I felt determined to read and learn more. It was at this time that I went to Dason’s
blog and read the three difficult posts that earlier he had warned me not to
read. As I read them, I found that he
brought up some things that I had already read about in the church’s essays,
but I realized that it was just the tip of the iceberg compared to what he had
researched and discovered. I was
enthralled! Reading those three posts
was like watching a train wreck. I was
horrified by what I read, but I couldn’t stop or look away. How did I not know about these things? How could I have been raised in the church,
served a mission, served in leadership positions and not know about these
issues with the church? My bubble
essentially burst, and a wave of information came pouring in that left me
drowning in doubt, anger, fear, sorrow, uncertainty, and most of all complete
shock. It took me about a week to
process everything, which resulted in an even greater desire to know more and
more about why some people I know had also left the church. I talked to four friends and acquaintances,
and they all told lengthy stories about what led them to leave the church and
to no longer believe it’s truth claims.
I was curious and intrigued by what they told me, and I found that many
of them had the same issues and experiences that I was currently having. The biggest question for me though was how
did their family respond?
My
family is very strong in the LDS faith.
My father served as a branch president several times; my mother comes
from a pioneer heritage; my brother is a bishop; my brother-in-law is a
counsellor in a bishopric; and my parents serve in the Edmonton Temple. They are fully in, and my mom prides herself
in the fact that all of her children were strong in the gospel and did all the
things that good Mormon people do. To
say that I was terrified to talk to them about my doubts is an understatement.
I had heard them talk about people in their ward who left the church. The criticism and shaming were evidence of
their own attitudes towards people who leave the church no matter what their
reasons were. How on earth could I talk
to them about this when I know they would push back heavily that the church was
true, that I should already know this, and ask how I could ever question that
“knowledge” that I have? I already knew
that they would question me about my life and what I had been doing to try to
keep my testimony. I knew all of the
things they would ask because they were the same things that I advised people
to do as a branch president. I knew what
I was supposed to do (read scriptures, pray, fast, etc.) I did that, and no
reassurance or answers came from it.
I decided to write a
letter to my family. It was nearly five
pages long, but it laid out what had happened, how my feelings had changed, and
that I no longer believed that the LDS church was the only true church on the
earth. I first sent it to my parents a
day before I was going to stop by and see them so that they would have a chance
to read it and process. When I stopped
by their house to talk to them, there were a lot of tears, questions, and
disappointment that I hadn’t come to them sooner (so that they could have
helped me through this). They asked me
to give it three months, to pray and go to church and read my scriptures, and
that after that time period we would see where I stood. I agreed because they are my parents and I
love them, and I wanted to appease them at that moment while I went through
this process.
The
next few months I tried to find answers both for and against the way I felt and
what I had learned. It was a confusing
time because it made me question everything that I had ever known and stood
for. Going to church lost its luster,
and the meetings weren’t as inspiring or helpful. Prayer didn’t help, and the scriptures didn’t
provide answers like they used to. I
talked to my branch president (who was my 1st counsellor when I served as BP)
and he was very understanding and just listened to my concerns. He has friends and family that have left the
church, so he wasn’t critical or judgmental.
It was nice to talk to him, but it didn’t help persuade me one way or
the other. My wife asked to be released
from her calling, and my calling as young men’s president was dissolving with
the new changes to the church’s youth program.
I tried to do as my parents asked, but there was no witness to me that
the church was true. I found no convincing faith promoting answers to the
difficult questions I had. I tried to doubt my doubts as Elder Uchtdorf had
said, but the doubts made much more sense than the church’s truths.
After much reading
and soul searching, I came to the realization that the church didn’t provide
“informed consent” to its members. I
work in the health care field, and informed consent is where you explain to
your patients (after asking them a lot of questions about their health
concerns) what the procedures are that you would like to do for them in order
to help them with their problems. You then
explain what the alternatives are, the risks involved with those procedures,
and then ask if they have any questions regarding what you’ve explained to
them. If you only tell them all the good
things about your procedures and none of the bad things or the risks involved,
then of course they are going to trust that everything will be fine because
that’s the only information they have to go on.
I feel this has been my experience with the church. I only knew all the good or “faith promoting”
information about the history and doctrines of the church. I had been exposed to some of the bad or
“anti-Mormon” information, but I was always told to dismiss it because it was
falsehoods and lies conceived by Satan and evil people trying to tear down the
church. Now that I was learning the
alternatives, from church approved sources, and seeing that some of the history
and doctrines of the church led me to believe it was not led by God, I could
now make an informed decision about the church without having to rely on faith
and personal “feelings.”
This informed
decision led me to conclude that the church was not what it claimed to be. It is a church, just like other Christian
church out there, and it was conceived and designed by a man. This man made mistakes, sought to glorify
himself and his standing, and he certainly wasn’t a prophet called by God. Sure, the church has grown and holds some
good principles and values, but it is not the one and only true church. And if the restoration is not real, and the
priesthood is made up, and the covenants of salvation and exaltation are just
empty rituals, then why should I give so much time and money towards this
organization? I came to the conclusion
that I don’t have to, that I don’t need to, and that I can be very happy
outside of the church. This has been
incredibly liberating and surprising all at the same time!
Still
the most difficult thing about leaving has been my family and other faithful
church members and the way that they look at me. You would think that Christlike love would
prevail, and I know some of them try, but it’s difficult and will take a lot of
time, I’m sure. Like Dason, I didn’t
leave the church because I was lazy, or because I wanted to sin, or because I
lost the spirit and Satan took a hold of me.
I left because I found out that the church isn’t what it claims to
be. Believe me when I say that I was all
in. The church was my life, and every
life decision revolved around the church and its teachings. It would have been much easier to just keep
going and ignore all the things that I have read, but why? Why subject myself to rules of strict
obedience, sacrificing time and money, living the church’s commandments, and making
and keeping ordinances and covenants when it’s not true?
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